stress release.

(via shmegeh)

Is there such thing as god? Does he really exist? Do we get tested on a daily basis if we will continue to have faith in him. Ever since I was in 8th grade when I started going through changes within, I started to explore the possibility that maybe there is no such thing as god. My brother once asked me that if there really was a god would he have made us go through what we did or would he really allow people to become miserable.. Now I know things just happen but it opened my eyes. We are good people and yet things always happen in life. People always say that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Now why is that? That doesn’t seem fair at all. Should we all become bad just so that we can have good come into our lives? I know we will never know the true existence of god, well when we die I am sure we will figure it out. But as we live we just have to in a way gamble with our faith and religion because if we do bad all our lives because we aren’t afraid of god and then die and find out he really exists, then we may spend all of eternity suffering. And vice versa. Some things recently tested me. Now I don’t know what the outcome will be with his test but I do know that it is a confusing process. We only live once right? Well unless you believe in reincarnation, in that case to each their own and that’s not where I’m going haha. Anyways we only live once so why not have fun. Be bad. Make stupid decisions that we will regret the next day. Love all that we want and live all that we want to live. We shouldn’t live in fear of what happens to us when we die. For all we know it all just goes black and we have no after life. Why gamble with something we are not certain of. I may never know. All I know is I want the freedom. And that’s it. Cheers.

Hello,

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a perfect mold of exactly what everybody wants me to be. Not saying that it is a good type of perfect, but perfect in the sense that it is what everybody else wants. I am a hollow mold of what everyone desired to turn me into. I have no freedom, I make no choices for myself. Everything I do is viewed under a microscope. I long for the freedom that the majority of my friends have. something as little as a piercing or as big as a tattoo. I wish i could comfortably get a tattoo or piercing without the fear of coming home unloved. Which i have been threatened with. I have even taken the promise of celebacy (sp?). Just so my parents would not stop trusting me every time i even think about hanging out with a boy. I dont even know who i am. i have been searching ever since 8th grade. i want to expieriment with my hair and play with crazy makeup or clothes and be silly once in a while without getting made fun of from the very people who i am supposed to be myself around. I crave the feeling of “being bad” I want to do something “bad” nothing of course illegal, but nonetheless badd. like smoke a cigarette or dye a blonde streak in my hair. I want to be able to wear skull things without being called weird or being judged by it. But in the end i know., this is all bullshit. me talking about it, wishing about it, PRAYING about it…its not going to help because in the end all of this is bullshit. nothing will work out in the end for anyone. At least, not for me.

Is there really such a thing as “the one”? I used to dream of finding Prince Charming and living happily ever after… Like all the fairy tales I would watch. But is it all just a fairy tale? True love. A happy ending to a perfect story? I never even thought that until I had my heart broken multiple times. Is there really Mr. Right out there for everyone to find? Why is it so hard to find that one special guy out there? Why does it take so long to find him? Why do we have to go through all these hefart breaks in order to find them? We all have “soul mates” right? The one’s that we were meant to be with all along. Why does it take so much time searching for them? I want to find the man I am supposed to be with. I know I am young but the desire to find the man I will grow old with is no less important. Also, if we truly have a soul mate, what would happen if the one we were supposed to be with for the rest of our lives dies before we meet them? Are we to never get married? Why must love be so complicated? Especially when love is so easy to fall into. Do I just wait around while my heart is hurting waiting for him? When will I find him? When will I know he is in my life? Will I know that he is the one? What if I let him go? There are so many questions for this topic. I hope to have them all answered one day. But until then, I will try to be strong and hopefully one day I will meet him, and it will be the happiest day of my life.

I must start this next blog in the cliché “I know there are people who,…” to become politically correct within this blog so, I apologize for this intro, haha. I know that there are people out there who are not religious, and I am not trying to push my beliefs down people’s throat. What I am going to talk about is my own beliefs. I respect everyone’s belief because that’s the beauty of being a human, with a mind of their own. The message of this blog though can pertain to other people, religious or not. Okay, now that we got that out of the way… I go to a counselor since I had a rough start transitioning from home life to college life, and today we talked about Self-Esteem. Today was the first day that I started talking to my counselor about this issue because I didn’t have a reason to even worry about finding “the one”. I started telling her about how I feel ugly, and how I feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. I feel like any guy I will ever meet will end up finding someone better, prettier, smarter, more talented, the list goes on and on. We spoke most of the session about why I am feeling this way, what has caused me to feel this way. We talked about past “relationships” and we still could not find a definite answer, well we sort of did, but we have more to work on. By the end of the session we started talking about religion. I have told her from past sessions that religion was a big aspect in my life. She then tried to help me with my low self-esteem, caused by heart break and what not, with religion. She told me that whenever she feels down she thinks, well if we are all made in Gods image, and he made us perfect, in his eyes, how can we hate ourselves? That statement alone really helped me. I agree with that 100%. God loves us, and he created us in his image, really how can I hate that? Also, side note, how can we hate ourselves? Like I am me, how can I hate the person I am…? I mean, I have to live with myself… right? It seems like one of those “uh duh” statements, but I never thought of it that way. I know this will not make me feel better forever, but for the time being and being heart broken, I am okay. I just want to know one answer, is there really such thing as “the one”. I feel a blog about “the one” is going to come up soon.

Why do we have heart broken feelings? Why do we feel that hurt that our loved one caused us, or better yet, why do we feel that heart broken feelings when we aren’t even in a relationship with that person. Am I looking for men in the wrong places?? Am I only noticing the ones that are only bad? Why can’t I just find a nice boy whom I can just be comfortable with. I gave up on this fairy tale called “love” when I was in high school. Now that I started college, I decided that I just might start looking for “mr.right”. So far,.. No luck haha. But I found a guy that’s not at the same college as me. Though I am not usually too thrilled by the idea of long distance relationships, I felt that something was there. And for the first time in a while,.. I started liking him. A few days of “I like you” or “omg we’re meant to be together” quotes on twitter, I started to see signs from everywhere. Signs that pointed me to him or hints that maybe he liked me also. Well that all ended when I saw him talking to another girl. A prettier girl. A girl I thought was 100000000x greater than what I could ever be. Now I don’t even know this girl nor do I know the situation between the two. But all I know is,.. I felt horrible. I felt so disgusted with myself. I was uncomfortable in the skin I’m in. Why did I feel this way though ? I am not even dating the guy and yet I just felt so horrible. I moped around all day. But I never understood why. Is it irrational of me to feel this way? Or is it just a way of life. There’s so many questions that go with love. Why do we even search for it? But it is this situation that has really made me think. Is love worth it? Am I even meant to find love? Why am I sad over this guy??

Why am I making this account? Well it is going to be a place where I can vent. A place where all my thoughts are just out there. I don’t care if people read it, although it would be nice to see other people feel the same way, but it’s justi need to say these things and not just in a journal. I need it to be said to others. I’m keeping myself anonymous just because it’s not needed for me to be known. Everyone has these heart broken feelings, so putting a name to these same old feelings don’t seem worth it to me. I’m heart broken. How do I get over these reoccurring feelings? Why do we keep feeling these hurt feelings, after what we consider the best feelings of love.